Thursday, July 24, 2014

No Words

 So here we are, one day away from the official two year mark of William's passing. I hate this. I hate this so badly. Two years ago tonight I laid in bed with my husband for the last time. Cuddled his perfect body for the last time. Held him for the last time. This time two years ago I was 9 months pregnant with our little boy. Who knew that the next night we would wake up in a nightmare that never ends?  Who knew that the next night our child wouldn't have his father here? The picture to your left was the last picture that was taken of us. It was at a baby shower we had had that Sunday before. 
   Tonight I am grieving and hurting. Hurting so badly that my heart and chest are in actual pain. Everyone that reads this will know of our story and what brought me to writing this blog, but I want people to know that I don't write this for pity or fame. I write this for the women that will come after me. The over 200 women so far that have come after me. More and more women and children are left behind to live the nightmare of their husband, partner, best friend, father to their children, and so much more not being here anymore. Left widows at too early of an age.
     I am so grateful that I know that William was saved by the grace of God and that I will one day see him again, but right now, in this moment, I want him here now, with me and our son. I don't want to think about how I am going to make myself so busy that I wish I won't have time to think about the fact that he is gone. Gone until the Lord comes back or I die and go to be with him. God's amazing grace is truly what has gotten me through this time. Our sweet and precious baby boy has been the amazing gift from God that has gotten me through this. It truly shows that God surely knows what we will need when we need them. If it wasn't for our almost two year old baby boy and God I don't know where I would be tonight.
     Writing this at 12:30am, like I said before, I am hurting and my anxiety level is soaring, but I write to be able to let all my hurt out and to let people know that just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we do not get angry or upset with God sometimes. I cry out to God because he tells us too. He wants us to tell him how we feel because he already knows. So this is me crying out to God to hold my hand. Give me your grace and mercy. Walk beside me through this storm and make me stronger through it, but please get me through this. Please send us our special angel to be with us as you will be. I know that my hurt will never go away and the whole in my heart will never be filled, but through God he will lead me out of the dark and allow me to keep those precious memories that make me smile and cry at the same time.
        I am so honored and grateful that God allowed me to have William for 10 1/2 years and to have started dating him when we were babies. We got to do so many things that a lot of couples never get to do together. Travel, rodeo, hunting trips, and so many other things. Get married and live in a wonderful 1962 singlewide trailer that is more of a home than our big house on the hill was. I so miss those days. It may have been small and cold at times, but they were some of the best times of life. The simple life. I hope my rant hasn't confused or offended anyone, but it was what was in my heart and what I felt that I needed to share.
I am so honored that people are remembering William this weekend and I believe they will remember him forever, and I am ever so grateful because I don't want him to be forgotten. He was a wonderful man that was yes a police officer, but he was also so much more. He was my hero in so many different ways.
I miss you every second of the day babe. Your little boy knows you and talks about you often. We will always remember you for the great man you were and your love, life, the sacrifice you made for our community, and legacy will live on in us forever. I love you baby and I will never stop loving or missing you. "My One and Only."
William Ronald Mast Jr.
EOW: 7/26/2012

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