Flashbacks vs Memories

Flashbacks, what a curse. There is so much difference between a flashback and a memory. Flashbacks are mainly about something tragic that has happened in your life. I have many, mostly about when Williams best friend came and told me he had been shot. More from the hospital where I started learning details and how awful they were. Another about the realization about what had happened and what my unborn son and my life would be like in the future without him. Even more in the days to come where family and friends came to hug us and tell how sorry they were, others to give their advice in how we should be handling all of it. So many hard hits of these harsh moments in life that I wish I could forget. The blows of reality never get better or easier, your heart is just so hurt, you become numb and learn how to deal with them. Numbness is God's Grace and Mercy being put to work in us when we need it. It always hurts and it always will but I look to God and ask for help. Help in remembering that we will be together again and to remember the good memories that we shared and that one day I will get to share all of them with our son. Who will always know how much his mommy and daddy loved one another and how much they BOTH love him. 

     Memories are mainly about good that has happened in your life. I have such sweet memories of my dear husband. He was so romantic. Though he wouldn't dare tell anyone. Back in September of 2011 he went on a jeep trip with his buddy Aaron to Utah. He was so excited about going, but did feel bad for leaving me behind. He would be gone for a week. I talked to him every couple of hours on his drive to Utah and even early hours in the morning. He had a great time. But Thursday of that week, I am at work, and just finished with our morning patients when I turn the corner and there are a dozen red roses, which was what he always gave me, sitting there on my desk. They held a note that said " Love you and miss you, Love William". He lovedso much and felt so bad for leaving me that he called from Urah and ordered me flowers. I still have that card. One thing that William would always do with me was dance. He would turn on some Clay Walker and slow dance with me in our little trailer and then later our house. We would just look through each others eyes and into our hearts and just enjoy that moment we had together. I loved it even more when he sang to me while we would dance. I'm telling you ladies he was the best. Yes we had our ups and downs just like every other married couple. We fought about the normal things money, sex, etc. lol. But we had a great friendship, love, and marriage. And now even though he isn't here in person, he is with us in spirit and therefore we have a great family now too. Missing him so much these days. We are coming up on our 12 dating anniversary. May 27. When a thirteen year old young man would ask a little fourteen year old girl to be his girlfriend and then later she would become his wife and mother to a perfect little boy. Love you and miss you forever Baby. 

  I right all of this not to gloat or brag on whT a wonder marriage and love we shared but to share our love story and the things that only God can give. People continue to tell me how strong they think I am or what an inspiration I have been to them, but the inspiration and the strength has come from God. Without him I wouldn't be here. None of us would. He has left me and Hunter here for a reason. I might not know what that is yet but in all the bad that has happened in the past 21 months there is and will be good. God promises us that. He is leading and I am trying to be as his disciple and go and do for him and his glory. There are still many hard days and not a day goes by that I don't miss him or wish he were here with me. Like have said before there is NO time limit on grief and how it effects us. We are all different and we grieve in different ways. Do not be quick to judge. This is part of our life now and we,with God's help,will make the best of it. :)