Realizations

As I was driving home today I realized something,  life isn't about me! Plan and simple. I am just being honest right now. I have been focusing on "my" life and not what's going on around me and what is really important. Life is about helping other people. It's about my son. It's about keeping my husband's memory alive. It's about witnessing to people about God's great grace, and enjoying life to the fullest. I need to remember this on a daily basis because, yes I have had something bad happen to me. Yes, something bad has happened to my son. I lost my husband, the love of my life, my best friend, and the father to our unborn son. My son lost his father, his future role model and so much more. I can list all kinds of things we lost when we lost William, but that is not the point. The point is life stinks sometimes and these unfair things are going to happen to us. Am I angry sometimes, YES. Who wouldn't be. But as I look around this world there ARE people that are worse off then us. They never had that one special person that loves them like William loved us. There are people out there that don't have Jesus in there life to pray to and to ask for guidance or except his grace when we need it. This is what I need to remember. I need to pray more. I admit I don't hit the alter every time during the alter call. Should I? YES. Why don't I? It's always in the back of our heads, " people will think that something's wrong with me if I go up there or especially if I go every time the pastor gives the alter call. I know that's what I think about. Why do we do that? That is giving glory to the devil and we definitely don't want to do that. I realize today that I need to hit that alter wide open, every chance I get. I need to fall in my knees during the day, first thing in the morning, and before I go to bed and pray. HARD. That God will keep forgiving me for failing him, which I do every day. To pray for my friends and family. To pray for the lost and hurting world. Pray for guidance that my focus won't be on me and what MY life is supposed to be like, but about what he is calling me to do for him, my son and other people. Do I think about my life and the "what if's?" Of course I do. What if William was here? What would life be like? I think about how unbelievably happy we would be. It hurts. Of course. Do I think about if I will ever be loved again by someone else or if I will grow old alone? Of course I do, but why. What is the point? I was loved by a man that's love will be with me for all of my days. He gave me enough love in the 10 years we spent together to last me a lifetime. I don't want to worry about these worldly things anymore. I want to do his will. Study his word. Praise him. Pray to him. This is what my life needs to consist of. 

Lord, Please help me to be the Christain/witness you would have me be. Please let me be the mother you would have me to be. Let me do your will and not care about what people say or think. The only opinion that matters is yours God. And Lord, let us live life to the fullest like William did and enjoy each other. Thank you for what you are going to do in mine and Hunter's life. Thank you for all our many blessings, past/present/future. 

No Words

 So here we are, one day away from the official two year mark of William's passing. I hate this. I hate this so badly. Two years ago tonight I laid in bed with my husband for the last time. Cuddled his perfect body for the last time. Held him for the last time. This time two years ago I was 9 months pregnant with our little boy. Who knew that the next night we would wake up in a nightmare that never ends?  Who knew that the next night our child wouldn't have his father here? The picture to your left was the last picture that was taken of us. It was at a baby shower we had had that Sunday before. 

   Tonight I am grieving and hurting. Hurting so badly that my heart and chest are in actual pain. Everyone that reads this will know of our story and what brought me to writing this blog, but I want people to know that I don't write this for pity or fame. I write this for the women that will come after me. The over 200 women so far that have come after me. More and more women and children are left behind to live the nightmare of their husband, partner, best friend, father to their children, and so much more not being here anymore. Left widows at too early of an age.

     I am so grateful that I know that William was saved by the grace of God and that I will one day see him again, but right now, in this moment, I want him here now, with me and our son. I don't want to think about how I am going to make myself so busy that I wish I won't have time to think about the fact that he is gone. Gone until the Lord comes back or I die and go to be with him. God's amazing grace is truly what has gotten me through this time. Our sweet and precious baby boy has been the amazing gift from God that has gotten me through this. It truly shows that God surely knows what we will need when we need them. If it wasn't for our almost two year old baby boy and God I don't know where I would be tonight.

     Writing this at 12:30am, like I said before, I am hurting and my anxiety level is soaring, but I write to be able to let all my hurt out and to let people know that just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we do not get angry or upset with God sometimes. I cry out to God because he tells us too. He wants us to tell him how we feel because he already knows. So this is me crying out to God to hold my hand. Give me your grace and mercy. Walk beside me through this storm and make me stronger through it, but please get me through this. Please send us our special angel to be with us as you will be. I know that my hurt will never go away and the whole in my heart will never be filled, but through God he will lead me out of the dark and allow me to keep those precious memories that make me smile and cry at the same time.

        I am so honored and grateful that God allowed me to have William for 10 1/2 years and to have started dating him when we were babies. We got to do so many things that a lot of couples never get to do together. Travel, rodeo, hunting trips, and so many other things. Get married and live in a wonderful 1962 singlewide trailer that is more of a home than our big house on the hill was. I so miss those days. It may have been small and cold at times, but they were some of the best times of life. The simple life. I hope my rant hasn't confused or offended anyone, but it was what was in my heart and what I felt that I needed to share.

I am so honored that people are remembering William this weekend and I believe they will remember him forever, and I am ever so grateful because I don't want him to be forgotten. He was a wonderful man that was yes a police officer, but he was also so much more. He was my hero in so many different ways.

 

I miss you every second of the day babe. Your little boy knows you and talks about you often. We will always remember you for the great man you were and your love, life, the sacrifice you made for our community, and legacy will live on in us forever. I love you baby and I will never stop loving or missing you. "My One and Only."

 

William Ronald Mast Jr.

EOW: 7/26/2012

Flashbacks vs Memories

Flashbacks, what a curse. There is so much difference between a flashback and a memory. Flashbacks are mainly about something tragic that has happened in your life. I have many, mostly about when Williams best friend came and told me he had been shot. More from the hospital where I started learning details and how awful they were. Another about the realization about what had happened and what my unborn son and my life would be like in the future without him. Even more in the days to come where family and friends came to hug us and tell how sorry they were, others to give their advice in how we should be handling all of it. So many hard hits of these harsh moments in life that I wish I could forget. The blows of reality never get better or easier, your heart is just so hurt, you become numb and learn how to deal with them. Numbness is God's Grace and Mercy being put to work in us when we need it. It always hurts and it always will but I look to God and ask for help. Help in remembering that we will be together again and to remember the good memories that we shared and that one day I will get to share all of them with our son. Who will always know how much his mommy and daddy loved one another and how much they BOTH love him. 

     Memories are mainly about good that has happened in your life. I have such sweet memories of my dear husband. He was so romantic. Though he wouldn't dare tell anyone. Back in September of 2011 he went on a jeep trip with his buddy Aaron to Utah. He was so excited about going, but did feel bad for leaving me behind. He would be gone for a week. I talked to him every couple of hours on his drive to Utah and even early hours in the morning. He had a great time. But Thursday of that week, I am at work, and just finished with our morning patients when I turn the corner and there are a dozen red roses, which was what he always gave me, sitting there on my desk. They held a note that said " Love you and miss you, Love William". He lovedso much and felt so bad for leaving me that he called from Urah and ordered me flowers. I still have that card. One thing that William would always do with me was dance. He would turn on some Clay Walker and slow dance with me in our little trailer and then later our house. We would just look through each others eyes and into our hearts and just enjoy that moment we had together. I loved it even more when he sang to me while we would dance. I'm telling you ladies he was the best. Yes we had our ups and downs just like every other married couple. We fought about the normal things money, sex, etc. lol. But we had a great friendship, love, and marriage. And now even though he isn't here in person, he is with us in spirit and therefore we have a great family now too. Missing him so much these days. We are coming up on our 12 dating anniversary. May 27. When a thirteen year old young man would ask a little fourteen year old girl to be his girlfriend and then later she would become his wife and mother to a perfect little boy. Love you and miss you forever Baby. 

  I right all of this not to gloat or brag on whT a wonder marriage and love we shared but to share our love story and the things that only God can give. People continue to tell me how strong they think I am or what an inspiration I have been to them, but the inspiration and the strength has come from God. Without him I wouldn't be here. None of us would. He has left me and Hunter here for a reason. I might not know what that is yet but in all the bad that has happened in the past 21 months there is and will be good. God promises us that. He is leading and I am trying to be as his disciple and go and do for him and his glory. There are still many hard days and not a day goes by that I don't miss him or wish he were here with me. Like have said before there is NO time limit on grief and how it effects us. We are all different and we grieve in different ways. Do not be quick to judge. This is part of our life now and we,with God's help,will make the best of it. :)

Blessing after Tragedy

My best friend Emily had been by my side since that horrid morning. Only leaving at night and returning early to do anything she could to help. She was also two weeks away from her wedding, which I was supposed to be her matron of honor in. Who wants to be in a wedding when you have just lost your husband and the love of your life. Not me, but she had been so good to me and I made her promise that I would stand right there and be at her becking call and that is where I would be  so on the morning of August 11,2012, 16 days after my husband lost his life, I went to the brides maids breakfast, went and helped set up for the reception, and then stood by my best friend while she also married her high school sweetheart. It was beautiful. God is the one that got me through that wedding without shedding a year and keeping my baby inside. :). As pictures ended and the reception started my parents took me home to rest and of course ball my eyes out for hours. I was so happy for them, but the hurt that I had just went through two weeks prior was still raw. I cried most of the night and into the morning. 

As I awoke that morning I noticed my back was hurting. I contributed it to the lifting and long day I had had the day before. I let it go as that and ate my breakfast and went and sat on the couch. About 10:45am my water broke and we were on our way to the hospital. It was bittersweet. All of it. Mom drove me there, but I so wished William could have took me and shared this experience with me. He would have been so excited. After 6 hours William "Hunter" Mast was born. At 6:49 pm, 18 1/4 inches long and 6.15 pounds. He was a healthy baby boy. He was everything me and William had prayed for. He would been so proud of his son. He was so excited to be a daddy. I know he was watching over us as he does now and is the best father for that. In the days to come as we went home I was so glad to have the help of my parents. It is hard enough to bring a Child into the world, without everything we all had already been through. I needed the help. 

My parents stayed with me until the weekend after Thanksgiving. I told them that it was time for me to do this in my own. I know they hated to leave, but they live right down the road. That night, after they had left, I heard sirens go down the road. When I looked out I saw Williams patrol car going down the road on its way to a call. I knew right them that that was The Lord letting William tell me that we would be ok. And I have to tell you by God Grace I have not been afraid here. God continues to amaze me everyday with his Grace and Mercy that he gives me so that I can keep going. Keep going so I can be the best mom I can to my baby boy. He is 18 months old now and it is so hard to believe. He is the love of my earthly life and I am so grateful for him and also grateful that Hod knew just what I would need to keep me going. Our little boy. 

The beginning

July 4, 2011 at Church picnic

For the many of you that will read this blog, I will need to start at the beginning, when the day came that turned our lives upside down. On July 26, 2012 at 3:00am, I was awakened by my doorbell ringing, and if you have ever heard your doorbell ring at that time of the morning and you are home alone, it is eerie. So as any other wife would do, I picked up my phone and called my husband, who was working night shift as a patrol deputy sheriff, call went to his voicemail.  So still scared to death, I called his partner Preston, again no answer. Believe it or not I proceed to call his Sargent and his Lieutenant, again no answer. So since no one could help me I decided to get up and look out the bathroom window to see if I could see any cars in the driveway, and sure enough there were, what looked like a million. I ran to the door and flung it open and saw that the cars just weren’t just any cars, they were my husband’s Captain, Sheriff, and co-workers. I saw William’s (my husband) best friend Aaron in the driveway and screamed his name. He came running to me and hugged me tight and told me that William had been shot. What?? My husband has been shot?? I was thinking in my head and wanting to be by his side as soon as possible. Then William’s Captain and Sheriff came up on the porch and I asked, in tears, if he was ok. They replied NO. The first of the answers to knock me out of myself. They proceed to tell me that he was on a call that morning with his partner, Preston, and a man came out with a gun and refused to put it down. As they fired, so did the suspect and hit my husband in the face; Killing him instantly.

 I was nonexistent at that point. Crying, mind going a hundred miles an hour, sick on my stomach; but all I could think about was the baby that I was carrying, that was due in just 4 weeks, would never meet his daddy. And I was going to be a single mother and live the rest of my life without my best friend. After I got it together enough to head to the hospital and my parents had arrived, we headed that way. The whole way there my friend Amanda held me as I cried and just said that there was no way that I could do this or any of this be true. The Sheriff and the Captain were on their way to go tell his mother and father. His brother was on vacation at this time and it took us a little while to reach him.

As we arrived at the hospital there were SBI agents there and other Law Enforcement, doing their investigation, that I knew was protocol  The doctor that took care of him when he arrived in the er talked with me and assured me that it was instant. Other people started showing up. Other officers and their families, friends and family of mine, and doctors from the ob office that I worked for so that they could be there to support me and care for me and my baby boy. As my MIL arrived I remember being in the bathroom just sobbing and telling Amanda that I just couldn’t do this. I could not face what had just happened and I never wanted to leave that bathroom. We all gathered in a small waiting room in the er and were waiting to see if there was even a remote possibility that they would allow us to see William. When they told us that we were not allowed to here at the hospital I was devastated again. I wanted to hold my husband’s hand, wanted to make sure that it was really him, and wanted to kiss him goodbye. I did get to tell him goodbye and how much I loved him, but it had to come later at the funeral home.

We went to view the body and I had told any of the guys that were pall bearers, that they could come with me.  I had Preston and Aaron go in with me for the first time to view his body. I had him dressed in his dress uniform and they had done a great job getting everything fixed just right. He looked so handsome. I could tell every feature of his face and hands, where he had been hit, was different. It hurt my heart to know how much they had to reconstruct and that this had truly happened to my husband, the love of my life and the father of our son. Of course, I was overcome with tears and sorrow. I sat and watched all the guys come in and see him and see their eyes well up with tears. It was so hard to even fathom that we were even here doing this. I never imagined at 26 years old that I would be burying my husband.

The viewing was so large and it all seems like such a big blur to me. I felt like I had and out of body experience.  I was watching all of this happen and doing all I could do to stay with it, but I was not truly there. God truly gave me the Grace that I needed to get through this night, past and future. So many people came to honor my husband and pay their respects to our family. LEO’s from across the county came and survivors of past fallen officers and so many more. It truly was amazing at the support we had.  We had gotten through the night, and yes I was still pregnant, and here came the hardest part for me. When I had to finally and forever say goodbye to my husband’s earthly body. That was the hardest thing I had had to do yet. I cried all night long that night and just could not get it together for a long while. And I say now that it was what I needed to do. I had to let it out. I was hurting so badly that my heart was in so many pieces, only God could put them back together with time. Sleep was nonexistent.

The funeral: It was beautiful and bittersweet. William was brought to the front of the church by a horse drawn carriage.  And if you knew William that mint more than just met the eye. Me and his Captain followed behind with his parents and brother behind me. As we entered the church the music of the hymns were brought to life by the many people inside the church. William’s friend Chris (a state trooper) spoke first, then his Sergeant Andrew, then his Captain Kelly, and then the Sheriff. After all these great men spoke we had the children’s choir at our home church sing. I was like Heaven had sent angels down into those children. It was beautiful. As the choir finished the two men best fitted to share the gospel and remember William came to the pulpit. They did an excellent job with both. Pastor Derek Wilson read a love letter that William had sent to me sometime after we were engaged. It was so personal, but I found it in a bunch of pictures and the words were just perfect for what I needed to here and to tell others about how wonderful a love we had for each other and Christ. We went to the cemetery and there was a huge procession made for William and us all the way through Boone. People held signs that said “William is my hero.” People lined the roads to pay their respects. It was so touching again that so many people would care enough to stand there and pay their respects to my husband, who died protecting a woman and her two kids from their father. We had a nice service at the cemetery and proceed back to the church for a meal.

When the next day hit, when the sun rose again, that was the start of my new strange life.

 

  

Baby Shower in May of 2012